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4.05.2007 It's 2:30 in the morning, and I am reminiscing about days gone past. I don't know what inspired me to log back on to my blogspot after 2 complete years without a post. Yet, I suppose all things happen for an reason, no matter how much they piss us off or make us cry. For example, right now, I am going through one of the hardest parts of my life. You all know the ones I am talking about...the ones that leave you hopeless, angry, scared, & vulnerable. I hate feeling this way, but I chose the wrong path a couple of months ago, a mistake I'm still living with today. However, next week, hopefully will lift a giant weight from my shoulders, taking with it the sleepless nights and paralyzing anxiety. Then, slowly but surely, maybe my relationship with Josh will get back to the way things used to be before I broke his heart and his pride. I've got a lot to do in the next month, and no doubt at times I will feel like quitting. Still, I have to hold onto the dream and love I have within me because trust me, no good can come from losing sight of that which is truly important.
9.09.2005 For some reason, the desire to write is flowing through me on this early morning. I'm not really sure what I want to write about but just writing relieves a weight on my shoulders.
It's amazing how one person can change the way you look at life and love. Before Josh, I was a tease, in constant search of my next victim. I flirted with almost every guy, and I was good at what I did. No man was safe when I turned the charm on. Only, I didn't always know I was doing it. The flirting just came naturally to me. Then, I saw a man that was the exact specimen for my game. Josh was quiet and shy, which posed a problem, but the chase has always been the best part of the game. So I went for it. At first, I met a wall of resistance; whether because of his shyness or feelings of inadequacy, I didn't know, but his wall made me want him even more. One day, I decided to go in for the kill. I asked him on a date, and to my surprise, he said yes. After the first three dates, we were inseperable, and the rest is history. Never before have I been able to commit because I feared that I would miss out on something or someone. Yet, now I know...Josh is the man I am going to marry. For the first time in my life, I have no doubt or fear of committment. On the contrary, I am eagerly waiting the day he bends on one knee and makes the emotion we have in our hearts visible.
7.24.2005 Having not written in awhile, I feel the need to explain my unconscience neglect of a confidant I once found dear. It wasn't because of a lack of emotion or even a lack of originality but rather a lack of time. I've been working constantly this summer, saving for school and a vehicle; yet, still the ends just don't seem to meet. Normally, panic would over take me, but thankfully this time, I have someone strong to lean on. This weekend, Josh and I traveled to Carbondale to visit a friend for his birthday. Not only did we have a great time partying, but being alone together was possibly the greatest aspect. Here is my story...
5.24.2005 I've met this new guy...he treats me superbly, loves me unconditionally, and would do anything for me. I've never had a man like this, a genuine one. I'll follow Josh to the ends of the earth, and I hope he takes me there.
5.02.2005 I get so frustrated whenever I can't figure something out. For instance, I have been taking upper-level math classes all my life, but now, one simple math class is giving me trouble. Sets and subsets...to anyone else they may seem easy but for some reason my brain just doesn't process them. There seems to be a lot of things I can't process right now: my love life mainly.
a feeling like no other
4.12.2005 Over 120 days have gone by since my fingers flowed freely, recording my thoughts. But today, I hope to change the beat a little and write about all the wonderful things in my life. A few months ago, I felt as though my world was shattering beneath me, and try as I might, my own strength was not enough to keep me afloat. Even now, I find myself drifting back and remembering all the painful lessons I learned, hoping that it will one day leave my mind and not come back to haunt me.
1.29.2005 Classes have started out at LLCC, and I must say that they are super easy. Maybe I am just used to the way McKendree was. There, I had something to do for school non-stop, but at least I got good grades. Krogers hired be back for the bakery and produce department, and boy am I glad. I felt like such a slacker, sitting at home - going to class - going back home - going back to class. It was like a neverending, boring cycle. Similar to my life.
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ME in a BOWL In this tiny space, I am suppose to tell you about myself; I can't, for you wouldn't even begin to understand the simple complexity of my life. RaBId pASt 06/09/2002 - 06/16/2002 HyperLInk lIFE RaNDom SnaPs here IniTiaL FeAr sEConDarY CoNFusION |