11.15.2004

I was laying in bed last night at 3:30 in the morning, longing for sleep to come. Eventually it did, but in the two hours I laid there, many people and memories ran through my mind. The one which appeared most made my heart break over and over again: Robbie. How is it that a guy who wants something completely different than myself in life can make my heart long at the mere thought of him.

I actually hadn't really taken time to actually think of him, but then, yesterday morning my mom asked me if I had talked to him. Of course, I haven't, but then for the rest of the day, everytime I thought of a guy or a relationship, he came to mind. Why is that? Maybe it is because he is the guy I can't have, or maybe because I realize he is in love with someone else? I'd like to think I'm not that heartless, but that is how he makes me feel. When I think of him, I'm not sure of anything, and I hate it.

I survived through his other relationship, but then again he was young. Now, things are different. One can only hope Jill will go off to school and realize that she doesn't want a relationship, especially a long distance relationship. That's horrible of me. I shouldn't wish bad things on a person I care so deeply for. If he loves her then I will support them with all I have because after all, I know what it is like to love and not be able to have him.

Sure, you hear me talking about all these other guys on here, and how much I can't wait to see them or talk to them. However, they just aren't the same. No one can make me laugh and infuriate me at the same time like Robbie. No one can make me feel as wanted as Robbie. No one can take a night of farm work and turn it into a date worth remembering. There is no other Cookie that grabs my heart like he can. I could go on and on, but I won't because all the words in the world, although they may change minds, cannot change the heart.

Amazing. I use to think that words could solve anything. I mean, I had used them to solve problems, get out of trouble, or even to convey feelings, but often they aren't enough. Maybe one day, I'll be able to have him. I just have to wait like I did when Angie was in the picture. BUT, I have this feeling in the pit of my soul telling me that it won't happen...that this relationship is different. Even Robbie said that it was different this time...that this was the girl he thought he was going to marry. Naive or truthful? I pray for the previous.

I remember the night that we put a close on our "other" relationship and switched to a completely platonic one. I cried while he was there even though I tried my hardest not to. I didn't want to make him feel bad or upset, and I didn't want him to be burdened by my emotions. That's how it is with Robbie...I only want the best for him, but why can't I be the best? Anyways, we hugged, and he left a couple of hours later.

The second he was out the door, the tears began to flow again. This time, I didn't try to hold them back. I just cried and cried until I was physically sick with anguish. My mom tried to help by giving me reasons why he wasn't the one for me, but she knew how much I cared. In the end, all she could do was hold me as I sobbed into the night. Even my dad came in to check on me. He said that he knew how much I loved Robbie, and he knew how much pain I was in during that moment. He hugged me and kissed my forehead with a tenderness that only a father who realized his daughter had grown up could have. He told me that only time would heal the wounds that bled emotion. That moment made me closer to my parents, but that night I felt farther away from myself than I ever had before.

Robbie had always been a constant in my life. He was the guy I could call to go out or just to talk, and it didn't matter if I hadn't seen or heard from him in a while because I knew that he would always be back and things would always be the same. Then, three months passed and I didn't understand why...how can I tell a person that I love them and then they don't call for three months. Eventually, of course, he did call, but he had "wonderful" news about a new girl he fell for. My world shattered.

I haven't really had a boyfriend since "the heartbreak." I've had a few flings, but they never resulted in anything more. I'm just waiting for the moment of closure in my affection for Rob. It's going to hurt, but it has to happen because I can't stand listening to the radio and hearing a song that we danced to. I can't stand looking through pictures and finding some of us. I can't stand picturing him with another girl. It breaks my heart each time. Basically, all I wanted to say is that I miss Robbie. I miss the relationship we had together, whether romantic or not, and I miss the way I felt comfortable talking to him about anything. I miss Robbie and me...the memory.

ME in a BOWL

In this tiny space, I am suppose to tell you about myself; I can't, for you wouldn't even begin to understand the simple complexity of my life.

RaBId pASt

06/09/2002 - 06/16/2002
06/16/2002 - 06/23/2002
07/14/2002 - 07/21/2002
07/21/2002 - 07/28/2002
07/28/2002 - 08/04/2002
08/04/2002 - 08/11/2002
08/11/2002 - 08/18/2002
08/18/2002 - 08/25/2002
08/25/2002 - 09/01/2002
09/01/2002 - 09/08/2002
09/08/2002 - 09/15/2002
09/15/2002 - 09/22/2002
09/22/2002 - 09/29/2002
09/29/2002 - 10/06/2002
10/06/2002 - 10/13/2002
10/13/2002 - 10/20/2002
10/20/2002 - 10/27/2002
10/27/2002 - 11/03/2002
11/03/2002 - 11/10/2002
11/10/2002 - 11/17/2002
11/17/2002 - 11/24/2002
11/24/2002 - 12/01/2002
12/15/2002 - 12/22/2002
12/22/2002 - 12/29/2002
12/29/2002 - 01/05/2003
01/05/2003 - 01/12/2003
01/12/2003 - 01/19/2003
01/19/2003 - 01/26/2003
01/26/2003 - 02/02/2003
02/02/2003 - 02/09/2003
02/09/2003 - 02/16/2003
02/16/2003 - 02/23/2003
02/23/2003 - 03/02/2003
03/02/2003 - 03/09/2003
03/16/2003 - 03/23/2003
03/23/2003 - 03/30/2003
03/30/2003 - 04/06/2003
04/06/2003 - 04/13/2003
04/20/2003 - 04/27/2003
05/04/2003 - 05/11/2003
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05/18/2003 - 05/25/2003
05/25/2003 - 06/01/2003
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06/29/2003 - 07/06/2003
07/20/2003 - 07/27/2003
08/03/2003 - 08/10/2003
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08/17/2003 - 08/24/2003
08/24/2003 - 08/31/2003
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09/21/2003 - 09/28/2003
09/28/2003 - 10/05/2003
10/05/2003 - 10/12/2003
10/26/2003 - 11/02/2003
11/02/2003 - 11/09/2003
11/09/2003 - 11/16/2003
11/30/2003 - 12/07/2003
01/04/2004 - 01/11/2004
01/18/2004 - 01/25/2004
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02/15/2004 - 02/22/2004
02/22/2004 - 02/29/2004
03/14/2004 - 03/21/2004
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04/18/2004 - 04/25/2004
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07/18/2004 - 07/25/2004
10/10/2004 - 10/17/2004
10/17/2004 - 10/24/2004
10/31/2004 - 11/07/2004
11/07/2004 - 11/14/2004
11/14/2004 - 11/21/2004
12/05/2004 - 12/12/2004
12/12/2004 - 12/19/2004
01/02/2005 - 01/09/2005
01/23/2005 - 01/30/2005
04/10/2005 - 04/17/2005
05/01/2005 - 05/08/2005
05/22/2005 - 05/29/2005
07/24/2005 - 07/31/2005
09/04/2005 - 09/11/2005
04/01/2007 - 04/08/2007

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