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10.20.2004
I want to go home...Don't get me wrong there are some great people here, and most of my friends are great. Then, there are those other few that seem to think making lists of my negative attributes is funny...friends that make me feel inferior...low...worthless. I remember the first day of NSO (new student orientation) and how scared I was. Then, I met Danielle and Andrea. They were great! I began to think that maybe school wouldn't be so bad, a small, friendly atmosphere. When I got here, my roommate was awesome...life was going my way. Now, I just want to get the hell out. I can't even begin to sort out all the emotions...I spend all week just looking forward to going home, where I always have friends, and I am happy. My mom doesn't know how I feel...she thinks things are wonderful! And they were, but times have changed. I said the other day that it was boring here and she pretty much whigged because I hadn't ever told her that. Honestly, I just don't know what to do.
My heart cries out for acceptance
My heart cries out for home
My heart beats to its' own drummer
One I've never known...
I long for a world
Like where I was...
Memories long gone
So I am.
Care Bear @ 10:34 AM | comment
cmharrison@mckendree.edu
10.19.2004
4.19.2004
It happened...his lips slowly met mine as his firm, steady hands found my waist and pulled me closer, deeper into the kiss. As we seperated, my head spun and my knees trembled then dipped under my weight. It was all I had ever longed or lusted for. For months, I had been trying to achieve this goal, and it had finally happened. When I went home that night, my cheeks glowed with childish lust the color of a blushing coral rose. Life was great. I was great. I fell asleep with longing flowing through my alive body and seductive thoughts through my brain. Then, the dream came to a halting stop, and now, I am left only with the memory of the moment of my dreams.+ posted by Care Bear @ 12:46 PM
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That entry was from exactly 6 months ago...when the guy that could always make me melt finally kissed me. Then, he was gone, out of commission for six months. It broke my heart, but now, with a reunion only a fifty hours away, the memories fly back...memories that I have written about, pondered over, relived.
Isn't it fascinating how just hearing a person's voice can bring so many things? He spoke, and my heart sped up, my body tingled, and a smile spread across my face. After the call, I sat feeling the happiest I have been since seeing Shandra for the first time after leaving for school. I thought of those nights we sat up, on opposite sides of the living room, talking, doing nothing but talking till daylight. How many mornings did I go home without having slept at all? And the beads...everytime I see those pink beads in the computer room, I remember the night I gave them to you. I remember what I had on...the way my lips felt after they brushed your cheeks...Most of all I remember the feeling I had when I left, as though none could touch me.
He always makes me feel invincible. It is so hard to resist those eyes, that smile. The first time we really hung out was at a movies: The Haunted Mansion with Eddie Murphy. He looked at me and said, "wow, you have great eyes." What should I say to the guy who stole my heart with one sentence? I love you...(too generic)...I want you...(too desperate)...I'm infatuated with you...(too underrated)...what to say...the possibilities are endless.
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It feels so good to be writing again. Cleansing the sole...This is my comfort: just spilling words out of my body, my mind, my heart, my sole. If I couldn't write, my world would seem cluttered, chaotic. Often, words I don't even think of spill from my fingertips; most the time about nothing. Interesting...
Care Bear @ 3:44 PM | comment
cmharrison@mckendree.edu
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