|
1.08.2004
I've given in, but I can't say that something in me didn't want to go there. If I hadn't wanted to go there I would have flat out said no. However, now, I am looking forward to everything about McKendree: the scholarships, the bowling team, the campus, the academics. It all seems wonderful.
However, I don't want to be considered Heidi. I don't want people to think I am just going there because she is. I admit, I used to want to be like her, but now, I know that I am and can only be me. She played a large part in shaping me and my goals ever since we bowled together my freshman year, but by no means did I aspire to be her. Who knows...all I know is that the search is over...I found were I want to go.
Care Bear @ 1:14 PM | comment
cmharrison@mckendree.edu
I am a nerd.
I am a coward.
I am a drama queen.
I am a failed science experiment.
I am a feeling in the deepest cavern of hearts.
Me, I am.
Care Bear @ 1:11 PM | comment
cmharrison@mckendree.edu
1.06.2004
I found myself last night. Not the girl I have become but rather the one I used to be. The one who stayed home all weekend entranced in a fictional book, longing to be with the characters in their world and leave her own. Last night, the feelings came back.
I locked myself in my room with only a good book and my headphones. I didn't bother with the petty things such as homework or phone calls. Instead, I remained stationary on my bed and before I knew it, 200 pages were gone and I was half-way done. I told myself that I couldn't stop there. My reading went late into the night, but I finished the 400 page novel at 12 o'clock. It had only taken me 6 hours...."yeah," I thought. "I still got it."
As I climbed into bed, a sense of satisfaction overcame me. Not only had I spent the entire night doing what I love, but I had also reverted. Reverted back to the way I was before everything started. Don't get me wrong. I love to go out, but there is something inviting about a soft bead, good music, and a book that will just take you away. Away from everything: school, parents, expectations, etc.
I've become the social butterfly, fluttering from one place to the next, not knowing where I would go next, but knowing it wouldn't be home. I love to go out and socialize, but how does the saying go...? Something about old being better than knew. I've changed. I don't understand it. My parents don't understand it. BUT...the question is...do I want to? Do I want to confront all the situations and events that caused me to neglect my old nerd ways? Maybe...but it is a confrontation I don't think I am ready to face. Why?
I love being a teenager: carefree and reprimandable. They can tell me no one day and how much I screwed up, but the next day, I will be out doing the exact same thing. Maybe that isn't a sign of being a teenager, but rather one of being stubborn...stubborn...teenager...those words are probably ones that should always go together, just like mac 'n cheese, PBJ, and green eggs and ham. I'm not suppose to face anything. My days are to be filled with sugar plums, fairies, alcohol, and unattainable substances we just happened to get a hold of...that's what it is suppose to be like...yeah, right.
*(thanks to mario...you're blog decided to make me write for me and about what I feel...it feels great.)*
Care Bear @ 12:50 PM | comment
cmharrison@mckendree.edu
1.05.2004
wow. it feels so good to be sitting at a computer typing little words on the screen. I know I haven't been updating lately, but that is merely because my computer decided to go bottoms up over x-mas break. I never thought i would miss typing so much. Maybe it is the *click* the keys make everytime you hit them, or maybe it is the smooth feeling you get when you are typing without stopping. All i know is that it is good to be back.
He lied to me. He didn't just not bring it up like I did. Nor did he have a specific reason for "neglecting" the truth. Instead, he just flat out lied. Why would he create a myth with specific details? To impress me? To make me feel more comfortable? Well, now that I know, it upsets me even more. Not because I regret it. Not that at all. On the contrary, actually. There was something special about it merely because of the emotion behind it from both parties. Well, all I have to say is this: I'm sorry. Sorry that you feel as though you wasted such a special moment on such a cruel girl. I'm sorry. Sorry that I didn't tell you about my occasional indulgences. However, if you think that i didn't tell you because I wanted to save myself then you would be sadly mistaken. I didn't want to hurt you. I cared for you more than I have anyone because you treated so well. I opened up every part of myself to you (the parts I liked and those I hated) except for one single, solitary, minor part...a part that doesn't even begin to describe me. The truth is...I never intentionally went out and did something knowing that it would hurt you, and i never planned any of it. You made me feel special and I'm sorry I didn't do that same for you. So, dear, this is my apology in formal writing.
Care Bear @ 12:53 PM | comment
cmharrison@mckendree.edu
|