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1.10.2003 The things I write about are not meant to require retaliation. I write about I feel, when I feel it. period. I will be the first person to admit that I am not a big conflict dealer. I am not a leader. I follow the crowd. However, without the lemmings of the world there would be no leaders. In a sense, everyone is an individual. We all have our own dreams, fears, and realities. Regardless of what happens, we are unchanging...ourselves. I have always found it interesting to look at the people in a group of friends and compare the different personalities. There is the quiet go with the flow girl, the rowdy rebel, and the leader...of course there may be more of one than another , but in general, that is the break down. Although we admit it or not, we all feel certain inevitable feelings...anger, regret, sorrow, regection, embarassment, love...their natural. We all have periods that make us wish we could go back, but things happen and you just have to move on. That is probably the most valuable lesson I have learned this year. We came up with a theme for this years book called "times of Uncertainty." It couldn't hit the spot any better. In this stage in my life I have no clue what I am going to do in the next few minutes or in the next few years. It is really weird b/c i always knew exacly what i wanted and I was determined to go after it. Well now I am being normal and living each day step by step. When I say normal I don't mean anything by it except that i feel uncertaincy just like anyone else. I may be far from normal but in that aspect i am.
1.07.2003 Just when you think it is all over...it all comes back to slap you in the face, again. I am just not going to say anything anymore because it seems it all comes back to me and is used against me. Did I feel remorse? yes. Did I show it? no. Why? how am I suppose to show it? Should i mope around? Shower you with gifts or apologies? I don't know! I know many will find this hard to believe, coming out of such an emotional weakling, but I keep a lot of things inside too. People say things that hurt especially when i wouldn't expect them to be so cruel, yet I put on this "oh everything is fine front." I have almost all a girl could want. Some friends who care about me, a boyfriend that is great, and good grades. I should be happy? well, I am not. The second and third are great, but when it comes to friends I have felt shunned. Something happens between me and lacey and all of a sudden I am being "forgotten" by others in our group. They have been planning and hanging out together, having parties (none of which I am invited to). It wouldn't be so bad if it had happened slowly...actually, yes it would have been just as bad. I honestly don't know how I should act about this. When I act upset people ask me what is wrong...if they only knew they were the ones making me upset, would they even care? I think about 2 weeks ago they would have, but now i am not so sure. In a way I feel like Hester in The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne. She is shunned by everyone, even those most familiar to her because she what? acted on her impulse? Some days, I feel as though i should have a giant T on my chest for trader, or an O for outsider. Maybe that is a huge comparison, but at this point I am going to go large because being non-chalant hasn't gotten me anywhere. It has just made people think i am a cold heartless bitch. I am still the same person I always have been. People just used to look deeper. Now they have their pre-formed opinions of me and do I care? yes. Am I going to let them know I care? nope. Why? because I am normal.
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ME in a BOWL In this tiny space, I am suppose to tell you about myself; I can't, for you wouldn't even begin to understand the simple complexity of my life. RaBId pASt 06/09/2002 - 06/16/2002 HyperLInk lIFE RaNDom SnaPs here IniTiaL FeAr sEConDarY CoNFusION |